I've had a look over your fic, and I must say that, on the whole, I absolutely loved it! I thought the premise was simple but sweet, the characterization was spot-on, and I adored the way you used your quote: it makes the perfect motto for WWW, and you made it fit very well. I would also say that you have definitely complied with the challenge rules, with perhaps one small exception that I'll mention below. Overall, an excellent piece: you'd never know that it was a first attempt!

Just a word on my editing format: for things such as spelling, punctuation, grammar and sentence structure, I make my edits by highlighting what I think needs changing in square brackets, using different font colours. I use [lime green] for things I think need deleting, and [fuchsia] for additions. I have also used [violet] to highlight areas where I personally believe that something more significant needs to be added to the text. I have enclosed descriptions of roughly the sort of thing I think needs adding, but it's up to you to decide whether to go ahead and do it: these are just suggestions, not demands!

My notes, in roughly chronological order:

1. I like your little thought inserts, but I would suggest that you don't always need to say that the italics are Ron's thoughts. I think that 'thoughts as itaics' are a pretty well-accepted convention in fanfic and, for the most part, the addition of "Ron thought" is unnecessary and awkward.

2. You mentioned "Britishisms" in your message, but I wasn't quite sure how much you wanted me to pick up on it. You've used the word 'sweater' all the way through for Lavender's garment. As a Brit, the term felt very unnatural to me-- we would call it a "jumper". I have corrected it all the way through, but you don't have to change it if you prefer to use sweater. You also used 'mom' once, but as you used 'mum' in the previous sentence, I assume this was just a slip of the mind.

3. I have suggested a change for Ron's memory of Lavender's sweater/jumper. I like the idea of using the definition of the word, but it seems a little unnatural to have her just come out with it, so I've suggested a little scenario with Ron being confused as a prompt.

Hi Cliff,

I've had a look over your fic, and I must say that, on the whole, I absolutely loved it! I thought the premise was simple but sweet, the characterization was spot-on, and I adored the way you used your quote: it makes the perfect motto for WWW, and you made it fit very well. I would also say that you have definitely complied with the challenge rules, with perhaps one small exception that I'll mention below. Overall, an excellent piece: you'd never know that it was a first attempt!

Just a word on my editing format: for things such as spelling, punctuation, grammar and sentence structure, I make my edits by highlighting what I think needs changing in square brackets, using different font colours. I use [lime green] for things I think need deleting, and [fuchsia] for additions. I have also used [violet] to highlight areas where I personally believe that something more significant needs to be added to the text. I have enclosed descriptions of roughly the sort of thing I think needs adding, but it's up to you to decide whether to go ahead and do it: these are just suggestions, not demands!

My notes, in roughly chronological order:

1. I like your little thought inserts, but I would suggest that you don't always need to say that the italics are Ron's thoughts. I think that 'thoughts as itaics' are a pretty well-accepted convention in fanfic and, for the most part, the addition of "Ron thought" is unnecessary and awkward.

2. You mentioned "Britishisms" in your message, but I wasn't quite sure how much you wanted me to pick up on it. You've used the word 'sweater' all the way through for Lavender's garment. As a Brit, the term felt very unnatural to me-- we would call it a "jumper". I have corrected it all the way through, but you don't have to change it if you prefer to use sweater. You also used 'mom' once, but as you used 'mum' in the previous sentence, I assume this was just a slip of the mind.

3. I have suggested a change for Ron's memory of Lavender's sweater/jumper. I like the idea of using the definition of the word, but it seems a little unnatural to have her just come out with it, so I've suggested a little scenario with Ron being confused as a prompt.

Hi Cliff,

I've had a look over your fic, and I must say that, on the whole, I absolutely loved it! I thought the premise was simple but sweet, the characterization was spot-on, and I adored the way you used your quote: it makes the perfect motto for WWW, and you made it fit very well. I would also say that you have definitely complied with the challenge rules, with perhaps one small exception that I'll mention below. Overall, an excellent piece: you'd never know that it was a first attempt!

Just a word on my editing format: for things such as spelling, punctuation, grammar and sentence structure, I make my edits by highlighting what I think needs changing in square brackets, using different font colours. I use [lime green] for things I think need deleting, and [fuchsia] for additions. I have also used [violet] to highlight areas where I personally believe that something more significant needs to be added to the text. I have enclosed descriptions of roughly the sort of thing I think needs adding, but it's up to you to decide whether to go ahead and do it: these are just suggestions, not demands!

My notes, in roughly chronological order:

1. I like your little thought inserts, but I would suggest that you don't always need to say that the italics are Ron's thoughts. I think that 'thoughts as itaics' are a pretty well-accepted convention in fanfic and, for the most part, the addition of "Ron thought" is unnecessary and awkward.

2. You mentioned "Britishisms" in your message, but I wasn't quite sure how much you wanted me to pick up on it. You've used the word 'sweater' all the way through for Lavender's garment. As a Brit, the term felt very unnatural to me-- we would call it a "jumper". I have corrected it all the way through, but you don't have to change it if you prefer to use sweater. You also used 'mom' once, but as you used 'mum' in the previous sentence, I assume this was just a slip of the mind.

3. I have suggested a change for Ron's memory of Lavender's sweater/jumper. I like the idea of using the definition of the word, but it seems a little unnatural to have her just come out with it, so I've suggested a little scenario with Ron being confused as a prompt.